Flash-Blink-Bang

I wish the world would slow down so I can think... I need time to relax, time to imagine, time to catch up with old friends... I have so little time for myself that I don't even know what I want from life anymore... Where do I want to be in a few years? Who do I want to be with for the rest of my life? Why do I want these things?

I am emotionally and physically drained... I have been sick for the last two and a half weeks despite my increase in physical activity and the half gallon of orange juice a day... Since the beginning of grad school I have had sleeping problems, which is something I thought I'd never have... Even when I was addicted to caffeine (yummy dr. pepper) I could fall asleep faster then anyone except my father (which is about 15 seconds)...

What I really need is a good 3 month vacation from everything, where I could do what I want when I want... not have to worry about school, or work, or money... Organize all the many fragments of memories that I don't want to loose, and reminisce while skiing down a Alpine slope... (skiing is my favorite thing in the world to do)... I could just worry about me, get healthy, get to know myself again... Rediscover why it was that I could program all day and night and absolutely love it... Figure out how to enjoy the things I once did... I've been trying to buy happiness and it just doesn't work, time is happiness, and I don't have any time... Routines that never change make it seem like I'll be doing the same thing forever... until finally I pass away and everything I did will no longer matter... Unless of course I have people to share my life with, people I affect... but if they just become part of the routine, then what good will that do? Everything will blur together, and time will fly by so fast that it may as well never have happened...

Oh well, in another blink of the eye I'll be 95 years old, and all this worrying will be forgotten...

Labels: diet, grad school, sick, skiing, vacation